...Моего мужа воспитывала бабушка. У нас родился ребенок. Сейчас сыну 5 лет. Она манипулирует им, шепчет на ухо как она его любит, "попроси папу, чтоб привез тебя на выходные". Я боюсь, что эти шепоты на ушко однажды подорвут авторитет родителей.

Спроси у психолога

Вопрос

Здравствуйте! Моего мужа воспитывала бабушка. Как только у нас родился ребенок, тут же стали появляться фразы» вот бы оставили мне на денечек, да переночевал бы» . Сейчас сыну 5 лет, она манипулирует им, шепчет на ухо как она его любит, «попроси папу, чтоб привез тебя на выходные». Мы ее проведываем каждую неделю. И всегда происходит демонстрация того, что у бабушки лучше. Можно не кушать, плевать на стол и тд. Муж начинает ругать, она сюсюкает «мой мальчик, ты так редко бываешь у меня» … как я понимаю, со старым человеком бесполезно спорить, они жизнь прожили! Меня беспокоит формирование личности ребенка. Он же не знает, кого слушать. .. для меня он любимый и долгожданный, отношения у нас близкие, но я боюсь, что эти шепоты на ушко однажды подорвут авторитет родителей.

У этой женщины есть еще правнучка и недавно родился правнук, но к ним она равнодушна, потому что это дети второго внука, к воспитанию второго она отношения не имела.» В. 35 лет.

Ответ

Вы пишете, что Вашего мужа воспитывала бабушка. А что произошло с его родителями?  Судя по тому, что у бабушки есть еще правнуки, то, видимо, у нее есть или был кто-то еще из детей (а не только отец или мать Вашего мужа). Но в любом случае, была какая-то трагедия, из-за которой Ваш муж воспитывался не своими родителями, а бабушкой. Можно предположить, что бабушка пережила какие-то потери и разочарования в своей жизни. Возможно, что она чувствует себя очень одинокой, рано потерявшей в жизни дорогих и близких ее сердцу людей. И поэтому теперь стремится хоть как-то приблизить к себе внука и правнука, боясь одиночества и старости.

А каковы причины какого-то «равнодушия» бабушки к другим правнукам и того, что она не принимала участия в воспитании второго внука? Наверное, причин несколько, а не только та, что она воспитывала своего внука как своего сына.

Вы пишете, что со старым человеком бесполезно спорить. А если не спорить, а разговаривать с бабушкой о ее жизни, о ее чувствах, о том, почему она «равнодушна»  к другим правнукам? О том, каково ей было воспитывать не только своих детей, но и внука? Может быть, бабушке не хватает не столько присутствия внука и правнука, сколько их любви и внимания? Возможно, стоит подумать о том, как выражать бабушке столь необходимые ей теплоту, внимание и заботу? Может быть, не только совместными еженедельными посещениями бабушки? В любом случае забота о пожилом человеке всегда не столь проста, как на первый взгляд кажется,  и всегда требует особого внимания, любви и терпения.

Вы описываете, как происходит еженедельное общение: Ваш муж ругает свою бабушку, а она жалуется ему, что он редко бывает у нее. И описываете Вы их общение очень резким словом – «сюсюкает»… В этом слове чувствуются и Ваши отвержение,  и Ваше осуждение бабушки, и Ваша усталость, а, может быть, даже некоторая бессильная ярость к тому, как бабушка «мастерски» манипулирует Вашим мужем.

Но, возможно, что между Вами и бабушкой Вашего мужа имеет место и так называемый «конфликт невестки со свекровью», ведь бабушка как будто бы «заняла» место матери Вашего мужа. В этом «конфликте» зачастую есть противостояние двух женщин, любящих одного мужчину. Как разрешить этот «конфликт»? Обе женщины должны признать, что они любят этого мужчину, а не конкурируют за место около него. Потому что у каждой есть свое место. У одной – место матери, родившей и вырастившей этого мужчину. А у другой – место жены, создающей с этим мужчиной семью. Разница мест предполагает и разные взаимоотношения с этим мужчиной. Когда обе женщины признают это, то обычно и «конфликт» перерождается во взаимное уважение и сотрудничество.

Часто этот «конфликт» подогревается тем, что невестка бессознательно переносит на свою свекровь негативные чувства, которые она испытывала в детстве к своей матери. И, если с матерью она была не в силах «конкурировать»,  то теперь невестка может попытаться   «по полной отыграться» в своих взаимоотношениях со свекровью (зачастую сама того не осознавая).

Также Вы пишете о сыне: «Для меня он — любимый и долгожданный, отношения у нас близкие, но я боюсь, что эти шепоты на ушко однажды подорвут авторитет родителей».  Может быть, Вы боитесь, что бабушка займет Ваше материнское место, как когда-то по каким-то обстоятельствам она как будто бы «заняла»  материнское место около своего внука? Как будто бы путаница мест продолжается до сих пор, как будто бы вопрос  «кто есть кто» так и остается не разрешимым для всех.

А что же по поводу воспитания ребенка происходит между Вами и Вашим мужем? Есть ли у Вас какой-то общий взгляд на его воспитание, на то, как и сколько ему общаться с прабабушкой? А, может быть, Вашему мужу надо порой только одному навещать свою бабушку, чтобы они могли пообщаться вдвоем? Чтобы Ваш муж смог спокойно, но твердо выразить Вашу общую с ним родительскую позицию относительно воспитания Вашего сына и относительно бабушкиной роли в этом воспитании.

Но также  что-то происходит и с Вашим сыном в присутствии Вас, Вашего мужа и бабушки. Что же? «Ребенок не знает, кого слушать» — пишете Вы. Похоже, что Вы и Ваш муж в эти моменты оба как будто бы «выпадаете» из своей родительской позиции, оба как бы «становитесь внуками» взрослой и «манипулирующей» бабушки, и поэтому не можете показать своему сыну, что слушаться он должен в первую очередь вас, так как вы – его родители.

В таком случае, не столько  бабушка «своим шепотом на ушко подрывает авторитет родителей», сколько Вы и Ваш муж, «проваливаясь» в какие-то непереносимые для вас обоих чувства, сами «подрываете свой родительский авторитет». Что же это за непереносимые чувства? У Вас и у Вашего мужа это могут быть самые разнообразные чувства: у вас — одни, а у него — другие. Но когда, Ваш сын «плюет на стол», а бабушка вместо того, чтобы сделать ему замечание, что-то шепчет ему на ушко о своей любви  и одновременно «сюсюкает» с Вашим мужем, то происходит что-то, чего Вы точно не хотите, чтобы происходило,  и с чем Вы никак пока не можете справиться.

Чтобы детальней разобраться в происходящем и справиться с этими плохо переживаемыми чувствами,  Вам желательно обратиться к очной помощи семейного психолога.

Психоаналитический психотерапевт; Руководитель телефонной психологической консультации «Ярославна»; Преподаватель дисциплины «Основы психологического консультирования»; Ассоциированный член Общества психоаналитической психотерапии – Европейской федерации психоаналитической психотерапии (EFPP).

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