...Мы ее проведываем каждую неделю. И всегда происходит демонстрация того, что у бабушки лучше. Меня беспокоит формирование личности ребенка. Он же не знает, кого слушать.

Спроси у психолога

Вопрос

«Здравствуйте! Моего мужа воспитывала бабушка. Как только у нас родился ребенок, тут же стали появляться фразы» вот бы оставили мне на денечек, да переночевал бы» . Сейчас сыну 5 лет, она манипулирует им, шепчет на ухо как она его любит, «попроси папу, чтоб привез тебя на выходные». Мы ее проведываем каждую неделю. И всегда происходит демонстрация того, что у бабушки лучше. Можно не кушать, плевать на стол и тд. Муж начинает ругать, она сюсюкает «мой мальчик, ты так редко бываешь у меня» … как я понимаю, со старым человеком бесполезно спорить, они жизнь прожили! Меня беспокоит формирование личности ребенка. Он же не знает, кого слушать. .. для меня он любимый и долгожданный, отношения у нас близкие, но я боюсь, что эти шепоты на ушко однажды подорвут авторитет родителей.

У этой женщины есть еще правнучка и недавно родился правнук, но к ним она равнодушна, потому что это дети второго внука, к воспитанию второго она отношения не имела.» В. 35 лет.

Ответ

Здравствуйте!
Вы оказались в ситуации, где разница в подходе к воспитанию ребенка у родителей и более старшего поколения приводит к конфликтам и напряжению между членами семьи. Это происходит довольно часто и имеет естественные причины. Действительно, Вы любите своего ребенка, заботитесь о нем и несете ответственность за его жизнь, здоровье и воспитание. Бабушка же его просто любит и балует, и у нее совсем другая роль.
Скорее всего, бабушке одиноко и её «манипуляции» направлены на то, чтобы привлечь к себе правнука, в надежде на то, что он будет её больше любить.
Вы же, как будто чувствуете себя в заложниках. С одной стороны, вы с мужем любите бабушку и заботитесь о ней, с другой, беспокоитесь о том, как это общение повлияет на личность ребенка. Ваш супруг, испытывая благодарность за то, что его вырастили и воспитали, протестует против того, что бабушка претендует и на сына. Возможно, тот факт, что бабушка воспитывала Вашего мужа несет в себе угрозу, что она перенесет эту роль на Вашего сына и ваш авторитет будет подорван. Истина же в том, что только Вы можете выполнять эту роль для ребенка и ребенок способен это понимать и разделять. Вы решаете, оставаться ему у бабушки или нет, вы устанавливаете границы и правила и определяете, что можно и что нельзя, вы удовлетворяете потребности ребенка, в том числе и эмоциональные. И первостепенным здесь является то, как строятся ваши отношения большую часть времени, когда вы дома или наедине с ребенком. Ваша уверенная позиция родителя будет гарантией авторитета в глазах ребенка. В этом случае, он будет воспринимать походы к бабушке, как что-то исключительное, но не постоянное. Например, будет учиться заботиться о старших, что тоже очень важно в процессе воспитания. И чем увереннее будет ваша позиция, тем легче ребенок разделит эти две ситуации, а также и другие различия в правилах тех мест, где он находится.

Директор ИППиП; Клинический психолог; Детский игровой психотерапевт; Преподаватель программы "Игровая психотерапия, центрированная на ребенке".

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